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Physics Joke 1:
When a third grader was asked to cite Newton's first law, she said, "Bodies in motion remain in motion, and bodies at rest stay in bed unless their mothers call them to get up."
Physics Joke 2:
Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms
Physics Joke 3:
Q: Why was Heisenberg such a bad lover?
A: When he got the momentum, he couldn't find the position, and
when he found the position, he couldn't muster up the momentum.
Physics Joke 4:
A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a gin and tonic?" The bartender smiled wryly and replied, "For you, no charge."
Physics Joke 5:
Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another quantum physicist?
A: Let me atom.
Physics Joke 6:
Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."
Physics Joke 7:
When a third-grade student was asked to define the term "vacuum" in class, she answered, "A vacuum is an empty region of space where the Pope lives."
Are you interesting in learning more physics?
Read a book review of The Fabric of the Cosmos by Brian Greene.
Or visit Jupiter Scientific's Reports and News in Physics,
Or read some chapters on physics from the Bible According to Einstein.
Physics Joke 8:
Q: Which right-hand rule do students use on bad physics professors?
A: Step 1: Extend your right arm forward from the elbow. Step 2: Keeping your palm facing to the left, stick out your middle finger. Step 3: Rotate your hand 90 degrees clockwise.
Physics Joke 9:
Here is a teaching tip for physics professors: When a student tries to paraphrase something you have just taught, feed her or him the following line: "I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." This will guarantee that the student will not interrupt your class again until the next semester.
Physics Joke 10:
Murphy's Ten Laws for String Theorists:
(1) If you fix a mistake in a mathematical superstring calculation, another one will show up somewhere else.
(2) If your results are based on the work of others, then one such work will turn out to be wrong.
(3) The longer your article, the more likely your computer hard disk drive will fail while you are typing the references.
(4) The better your research result, the more likely it will be rejected by the referee of a journal; on the other hand, if your work is wrong but not obviously so, it will be accepted for publication right away.
(5) If a result seems to good to be true, it is unless you are one of the top ten string theorists in the world. (By the way, these theorists refer to their results as "string miracles".)
(6) Your most startling string-theoretic theorem will turn out to be valid in only two spatial dimensions or less.
(7) When giving a string seminar, nobody will follow anything you say after the first minute, but, if miraculously someone does, then that person will point out a flaw in your reasoning half-way through your talk and what will be worse is that your grant review officer will happen to be in the audience.
(8) For years, nobody will ever notice the fudge factors in your calculations, but when you come up for tenure they will surface like fish being tossed fresh breadcrumbs.
(9) If you are a graduate student working on string theory, then the field will be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.; Even worse, if you start over with a new thesis topic, the new field will also be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.
(10) If you discover an interesting string model, then it will predict at least one low-energy, observable particle not seen in Nature.
In summary, anything in string theory that theoretically can go wrong will go wrong, but if nothing does go theoretically wrong, then experimentally it is ruled out.
Physics Joke 11:
Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be?
Physics Joke 12:
Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism.
Physics Joke 13:
Title: A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor
One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.
Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.
Physics Joke 14:
A physics professor, who was teaching a graduate course on superstring theory, decided to add an essay question to this year's final exam. The instructions read, "Describe the universe in 400 words or less and give three examples."
Physics Joke 15:
This is apparently a true story. It took place just outside of Munich, Germany.
Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."
Physics Joke 16:
The following is a little known, true story about Albert Einstein (attributed to Paul Harvey).
Albert Einstein was just about finished with his work on the theory of special relativity, when he decided to take a break and go on vacation in Mexico. So he hopped on a plane and headed to Acapulco.
Each day, late in the afternoon, sporting dark sunglasses, he walked in the white Mexican sand and breathed in the fresh Pacific sea air.
On the last day, he paused during his stroll to sit down on a bench and watch the Sun set.
When the large orange ball was just disappearing, a last beam of light seemed to radiate toward him.
The event brought him back to thinking about his physics work.
"What symbol should I use for zee speed of light?" he asked himself.
The problem was that nearly every Greek letter had been taken for some other purpose.
Just then, a beautiful Mexican woman passed by. Albert Einstein just had to say something to her.
Almost out of desperation, he asked, as he lowered his dark sunglasses,
"Do you not zink zat zee speed of light is very fast?"
The woman smiled at Einstein and replied, "Si."
And know you know the rest of the story.
Physics Joke 17:
Q: How many general-relativity theoretists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate space.
Physics Joke 18:
It has been rumored that Edmund Scientific is trying to keep up with the times. The following amusing incident confirms this belief. The Chairman of a Physics Department ordered some lab equipment from the company. When the package arrived, a secretary opened it and found the following warning label: "Despite its superficial appearance, this product at a microscopic level might be made of strings. Manufacturer will prosecute to the maximum extent of the copyright law any attempt to make a supersymmetric version.
Physics Joke 19:
A year after almost failing his high school physics class,
a boy told his older brother,
"You know, my physics teacher was right about the optical Doppler effect.
You see those cars.
The lights of the ones approaching us are white,
but the lights of the ones moving away from us are red."
Physics Joke 20:
The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines an elementary particle as the dreams that stuff is made of.
Physics Joke 21:
The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines a transistor as a nun who's had a sex change.
Physics Joke 22:
The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines hyperspace as the place where you park your limousine at a superstore.
Physics Joke 23:
An Unsolved Question in Biophysics: Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?
Physics Joke 24:
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle says "You can never be sure how many beers you had last night."
Physics Joke 25:
When a travel agent was asked if faster-than-light flights were available, she said, "Yes, but tickets must be purchased at least three weeks in advance and a Saturday night stay is required."
Physics Joke 26:
Q: What did Donald Duck say in his graduate physics class?
A: Quark, quark, quark!
Physics Joke 27:
Q: What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?
A: "Gotta split!"
Physics Joke 28:
Physics quote of the day: Anything that doesn't matter has no mass.
Physics Joke 29:
According to Einstein's Theory of Relatives, the probability of in-laws visiting you is directly proportional to how much you feel like being left alone.
Physics Joke 30:
There has been too much action in reaction to political scandals. Please write to your congressman to repeal Newton's third law.
Physics Joke 31:
Einstein's favorite limerick was:
There was an old lady called Wright
who could travel much faster than light.
She departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night.
Physics Joke 32: A Cartoon about CERN (size=31 K)
Physics Joke 33:
A student riding in a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited he asks, "Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?"
Physics Joke 34:
Three months before his 1905 seminal relativity paper, Einstein perform the following thought experiment, which, by the way, is known as a gedanken experiment in theoretical physics:
Einstein imagined, "If I vere to put my hand on a hot stove for a minute, it vould seem like an hour. But if I vere to sit with a pretty girl for an hour, it vould seem like a minute. By Jove, I zink time is relative."
Physics Joke 35:
A little boy refused to run anymore. When his mother asked him why, he replied, "I heard that the faster you go, the shorter you become."
Physics Joke 36:
A six-year-old boy spotted Albert Einstein walking down the street and decided to try out his favorite joke on him: "Mr. Einstein! Why did the chicken cross the road?" To which the famous physicist replied, "My young burgeoning mind, zee question does not have a definite anzer. Vether zee chicken crossed zee road or zee road crossed zee chicken depends on your frame of reference."
Physics Joke 37:
There is a sign in Munich that reads, "Heisenberg might have slept here."
Physics Joke 38:
Jupiter Scientific is pleased to report that physicists have embarked on their own product safety campaign, recommending that manufacturers provide consumers with all of the following labels:
WARNING: Due to its heavy mass, this product warps the space surrounding it. No health hazards are yet known to be associated with effect.
NOTE: This product may actually be nine-dimensional but, if this is the case, functionality is not affected by the extra six dimensions.
HEALTH WARNING: This product (and every product of the Manufacturer) emits low-level nuclear radiation.
NOTE: A subatomic "glue" holds the fundamental constituents of this product together. Since the exact nature of this glue is not yet fully understood, its adhesive power cannot be guaranteed. To date, no known malfunction of the product has resulted from glue failure.
DISCLAIMER: Manufacturer is not responsible for loss should this product disappear into a wormhole.
LIMITED WARRANTY: Despite the efforts of the Manufacturer, the chaos in this package has increased since being shipped. If such chaos has rendered the product defective, Buyer shall not hold Manufacturer responsible. Claims in this regard should be aimed directly at the Shipper.
NOTE: Despite its appearance, this product is more than 99.99% empty space.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING: According to quantum theory, this product may collapse into another state if directly observed.
HANDLE WITH CARE: This product contains countless, minute, electrically charged particles moving at extremely high speeds.
EXTREME CAUTION: This product has an energy-equivalent that, if exploded, could destroy a small town. Under no circumstance shall a User perform a mass-energy transformation on any of the contents in this package. In case of misuse, liability shall rest entirely with the User.
GUARANTEED RETURN CLAUSE: Because of the uncertainty principle, we have shipped this product with a limited speed notice. However, if shippers have disregarded our notice, we cannot guarantee that all the contents are in the box. If you discover missing components, please call the 1-800 number on the instruction sheet.
IMPORTANT: This product is composed of 100% matter: It is the responsibility of the User to make sure that it does not come in contact with antimatter. Under no circumstances will the Manufacturer be liable for User mishandling in this regard.
QUALITY STANDARD: The electrons, protons and neutrons are guaranteed to be of same quality as those used in other products of the Manufacturer.
DISAPPEARANCE EXCLUSION: Due to quantum tunneling, there is an extremely tiny chance that this product may suddenly disappear at any time (and reappear elsewhere). The Manufacturer will not be responsible for such mysterious disappearances.
AS REQUIRED BY LAW, we must inform you that any use of this product increases the amount of disorder in the universe. As of the date shipped, Congress has not passed any bills assigning a tax on disorder pollution.
USE LIMITATION: This product cannot be guaranteed to function normally near a black hole.
Physics Joke 39:
Ten little known facts about relativity:
(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
(2) Energy equals milk chocolate square (attributed to Albert E. Hersey)
(3) Delivery of Christmas gifts by Santa to the children of the world is now accomplished by riding Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.
(4) The general relativity theory of gravitation is responsible for people falling in love.
(5) The speed of an IRS tax refund is constant.
(6) Anger is neither created nor conserved but only changed from one form to another.
(7) The speed of time is one second per second, which is also called the fundamental unity.
(8) Death and taxes are the same for all constantly moving observers.
(9) Moving midgets are shortened.
(10) Divorce and alimony are equivalent but the latter is multiplied by an enormous factor.
Physics Joke 40:
Q: How were three graduate physics students able to demonstrated that a human could travel faster than light?
A: The three students went to a store and bought a stop watch and a candle. Then, they proceeded to a high school track field. The first student lit the candle and began to walk around the track. The second student waited a while and then ran after the first student. The third student worked the stop watch because physics experiments require precise measurements. When the second student rounded the track and came in first, the three students concluded that humans could travel faster than light.
Physics Joke 41: What is the difference between an ohm and a coulomb? Find out in this cartoon (size=13 K)
Physics Joke 42:
Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.
Physics Joke 43:
Q: What was Schrödinger's favorite childhood book?
A: The Cat in the Box by Dr. Seuss
Physics Joke 44:
Q: What are environmentally conscientious European physicists called?
Physics Joke 45:
A Not-So-Well-Known Fact: In the 1960's on rare occasions,
one could see a Volts Wagon Beetle pulling a mobile ohm.
Physics Joke 46:
A graduate student in theoretical physics was defending his thesis on superstring theory.
The committee of three consisted of professors from the physics, biology and mathematics departments.
The student announced at the beginning that he had derived an important result from string theory,
and he began writing equations on the blackboard. The biologist immediately was lost,
not understanding anything that was being written. Then came equation after equation and
even the physicist and mathematician did not understand what was going on. Finally, the
student proudly ended the analytic manipulations with F = - ma on the blackboard.
The physics professor then promptly pointed out that there was a sign error in the student's result,
to which the mathematician quickly responded, "Or an odd number of them."
Physics Joke 47:
The chicken and the road joke is one of the oldest.
However, very few people know that it actually dates back to the days of Isaac Newton,
although it has changed somewhat over the years.
Newton, in fact, used it on his colleagues at Cambridge University.
Here is a reenactment of a conversation that took place in 1681:
Issac Newton: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
John Flamsteed: "I don't know."
Issac Newton: "Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, but chickens in motion tend to cross roads."
John Flamsteed: "But what happen's if it gets run over?"
Issac Newton: "That, my friend, is called an external force."
Physics Joke 48:
A photon checks into a hotel.
The bellhop asks, "Can I help you with your luggage.
It replies, "I don't have any. I always travel light."
Physics Joke 49:
One day, Albert Einstein was feeling very guilty about spending all his time
thinking about the Universe and thereby neglecting his family.
So he decided, that this night, he would tell his younger son Eduard a bedtime story.
Einstein say down in a chair by the bed and began, "Once upon a space-time, ....
Physics Joke 50:
Q: Why is electricity an ideal citizen?
A: Because it conducts itself so well.
Physics Joke 51:
There was a physics professor at Princeton who reported to have said
to his thermodynamics class the following:
"If you cannot answer question 20 on this test, then you better major in another subject."
Question 20 on the test read, "Watt is the unit of power?"
Physics Joke 52:
Physicist's favorite bumper sticker saying: "Absolute zero is cool!"
Physics Joke 53:
Ohm's Law was good in its time, but that time is past.
The world today is different than it was in 1827.
In a nutshell, Ohm's Law is a discriminatory piece of legislation
that should be repealed or at least severely amended.
The problem is that it favors voltage over resistance.
Physics Joke 54:
I recently visited the Boston area with a physics friend.
We were stopped in a taxi at a traffic light in the suburbs when
a police car with the letters "NEWTON POLICE" on pulled up next to us.
When my friend saw this, he immediately responded,
"I WONDER what THEY do here. Enforce the Law of Gravity, maybe?"
Physics Joke 55:
Q: Which books are the hardest to force yourself to read through?
A. Friction books.
Physics Joke 56:
Q: What is a nuclear physicist's favorite meal?
A: Fission Chips.
Physics Joke 57:
Q: What's the difference between an auto mechanic and a quantum mechanic?
A: The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the garage without opening the door.
Physics Joke 58:
Q: What happens when electrons lose their energy?
A: They get Bohr'ed.
Physics Joke 59:
A physicist while exiting the theater after seeing the movie Star Wars bumped into a fellow physicist.
Inspired by the movie, he blurted to his friend, "May the mass times acceleration be with you."
Physics Joke 60:
Q: What did the dog say to his owner?
A: "My favorite frequency is 50,000 hertz but you've probably never heard of that."
Physics Joke 61:
Q: Why did Werner Heisenberg detest driving cars?
A: Because, every time he looked at the speedometer he got lost!
Physics Joke 62:
Unknown Fact: You can be cooled to -273.15C and be 0K.
Physics Joke 63:
Schrödinger was crossing the Mexican/US border illegally when he got caught by an imigration agent.
The agent asked a few preliminary questions,
and then, suspecting foul play, requested to inspect the trunk of the car.
Schrödinger popped it open, and heard the agent say,
"Did you know there is a dead cat in here?", to which Schrödinger replied, "Well, I do now."
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